October 2015



Right now I am about to burst a bubble for some people I know, best if you sit down now because it’s not pretty and it might take a little absorbing.  I'm not being mean, I want you to know I care and I'm doing this for your own good.

Sitting comfortably?

There is no such thing as a ‘Metrosexual’, it’s simply a term that has been cleverly spun by advertisers to get men of a certain disposition to buy products usually reserved for women.


Worn Out Boots

Feb '15

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Oct '15


Truth About Fracking

If you thought fracking was safe then you might want

to take a look at this clip.

This may be hard for you to imagine but there was a time when men did not need special hand creams, after a hard day’s work you simply used heavy duty detergents with a names like ‘Swarfiga’, they were usually green or red and had the same constituency as the lube you used to grease your axel (no that is not a euphemism, see me after class, the sniggering individual at the back!).


In a quest to part men with their money the advertisers have decided that real men, manly men, need to soothe their hands at the end of the day so they have unleashed a range of products keep your skin kitten soft and some are designed to comfort and soothe your burning face after shaving. 

The reality is the only thing a real man needs after shaving is to splash on aftershave which has a main ingredient akin to surgical spirit (if it feels like your face is being dissolved then well done you can stand proud with your male ancestors).  Our fathers and grandfathers used to scrape their faces using cut throat razors, freezing cold water and it was in the dark! So the height of luxury for us should be what is laughingly called a safety razor and a mirror.  For me the ultimate luxury would have been not to find my razor clogged up with leg hairs from the other person I occasionally shared a bath with when I was in a relationship.


‘Metrosexuals’ are what we used to call ‘Jessies’ back home, the kind of man who was so in touch with his feminine side that even gay men would ridicule them.  It's okay to be in touch with your feminine side, but the world does not need to see it.  Keep it to yourself, if you want to be more feminine than do what numerous Tory MPs have always done and wear women’s underwear, I am told there are numerous online sites that are very discreet.  Do not forget that David Beckham is being paid millions to sell you products with his name on it, occasionally appearing in the adverts but on at least one occasion they used a stand-in, presumably because not even his delicate self could stand the absurdity of metrosexuality.

Russell Kane. Not a metrosexual just a Jessie.


Let’s not forget that Nivea for men is the same product your grannies would slap on just before going to bed and scaring your grandfather with.

So I am sorry to break it to you but you are not ‘Metrosexual’ you are a ‘Jessie’, if you want an example of metrosexuality simply look at the comedian Russell Kane, a man so camp he makes Catholic cardinals look like stone cold killers. If you ever wondered why gay comedians are quick to point out their sexuality it’s not just because we live in enlightenment and better times, it’s because they don’t want to be labelled metrosexual and have to incur the mental anguish that comes with the term.  Just so you know Metrosexuals do not live anywhere else in the country but London, Manchester, Edinburgh or Glasgow and this is because anywhere else they would get slapped round the head and told to stop being so soft.  Northern mothers do not live in fear of their sons coming home and announcing “Mother, I have something to tell you... I’m gay!” Because if that happened she would simply reply “That’s nice dear now bring the bath tub in from the garden your father will be in from the pit soon and it’s his turn to be first to get clean.”. 
However if the boy sat his mother down at the table, took the old girls hand in his, looked into her caring eyes and said “mother, I have something to tell you... I’m a metrosexual.” she would instantly put up the black drapes, lock the door and hide her cold cream under the bed. The shame of it all would be too much and the family would probably ship the boy off to London, probably telling relatives the boy went mad so they shot him.


Apple's Tim Cook introduces the 'Pencil', Fashionistas all over the world soil themselves with excitement, 4 explode!

A few months ago I had a little to say about technology and in the last month it has become even more absurd.  Apple sent their fashionista customers into a euphoric meltdown when they announced they were releasing a pencil!

Not content with releasing a watch that nobody really wants, and one survey in September found that 93% of all people don’t see the point of a smart watch, Apple are going one step further and releasing a product that 99% of the world already owns and costs about 25p from the newsagent.


I know a lot of artists that find innovations to their tools of the trade to be useful but Apple really doesn’t have them in mind (probably because artists tend to be poor and Apple products are not meant for the great unwashed).


Apple will be targeting the pockets of the pretentious and frankly very annoying hipster portion of the public.  The kind of people that have well groomed beard’s, unfeasibly tight and ironed jeans, checked shirts are so meticulously clean and pressed no real workman would confess to owning such a garment.  The kind of person who will take in pop art to a tattoo parlour instead of letting the artist produce their own design which is unique and stands out from the crowd.  The morons who go for tribal tattoos, not because they are from New Zealand or Samoa where these designs are part of the culture, but from Clapham or Hampstead Heath where they probably listen to “world music” whilst drinking a soya based beverage and eating Quorn.

Not to be outdone Samsung announced they were releasing a product which monitors your sleep and tells you how good it was!  When I was younger you had a wife/husband/significant other to do that.  Generally if I wake up in the morning and I can still feel all my extremities, the bed hasn’t collapsed or the roof fallen in then I consider it a good night’s sleep. 

My own opinions of Samsung would be greatly enhanced if they got their current batch of products right and supplied me with a phone which has a screen that does not induce epileptic fits, intense headaches, or require me to guess which ap I wish to open through the fog and snow of their faulty screen.  When I took to social media and posted a picture of my problem on twitter, some songs customer service representatives deleted the post so I couldn’t share it with the world until now...

On the right is picture of the screen that Samsung representatives were embarrassed by and didn't want people seeing.


We live in an age of wonderful technology which allows us to reach out around the world, to make new friends and to develop relationships in interesting ways.  These new forms of communication and interaction give us new ways to become part of people’s lives, we make friends we may never have had the opportunity to everyone not for cyberspace.  Some people say that they are not really our friends, but we share their lives, we laugh with them, in some cases we cry with them and our lives are more open than at any other stage in human history.  Psychologists will debate for years the impact these friendships have and their place in our lives, but it does not lessen the impact we feel when one of these individuals, these cyber friends, either suffers a misfortune or passes away.  I have seen great acts of kindness bestowed upon people who may never meet their benefactors and for whom their lives will be made infinitely better by cyberspace and the friends they make there.   Likewise when a friend made online passes away why are we not expected to feel genuine grief and remorse, the loss of a friend or family member is always hard, it’s an emotional bond and in this New World we need to accept that we do not have to physically meet somebody to become a part of their lives.  Earlier this year I lost an American friend to cancer, we had physically never met and only spoken on the phone twice but every day I would read his posts and kept up-to-date with his treatments.  We laughed at the same jokes, enjoyed art and similar musical tastes so when I woke up to the news that he had passed away all I could do was sit, bow my head and be thankful that I had had the opportunity to share his life with him in a very small way.

There are so many people for whom the Internet has brought comfort, light, joy and a feeling of belonging rather than isolation.  Yes we hear about abuse online but very rarely do we talk about how much good social media can do, depression is a very hard thing to cope with but somehow, for me, it is easier to tell someone I am feeling down or having a hard time by typing it.  I come from generations of men who are not expected to talk about how they feel or open up the world, however saying “I need help.” is easier for me if it’s written down, put me in a room with somebody and expect me to tell them how I feel and it’s not going to happen.  ‘Be strong, be firm, keep it bottled up’, that was expected of us.  Cyberspace can be a wonderful place and it can also be a harsh place but I would rather live in a world where I can make new friends around the world and become part of their lives, good and bad, in sickness and in health, than not have those friends at all because the Internet did not exist.  It is better to have and lose a friend than never to have felt friendship at all.  We live in interesting times and we must learn new ways to grieve for the friends we have not physically met but have shared our lives, our joys and our sorrows.

Cathy Newman of C4 News tries unsuccessfully to tell JC what he should be regretting in attempt by the mainstream media to discredit him.

A very strange thing happened in the last month, the general public has taken to its heart a very strange beast.  A man who looks like a retiring geography teacher has been elected the leader of the Labour party, much to the dismay and desire of the mainstream media who took every opportunity to belittle, smear and dig up the dirt on the candidate now known to us all as ‘JC’, aka Mr Jeremy Corbyn.
The media admirally demonstrate to the general public that the mainstream press is actually in the pockets of politicians with right wing agendas who have no interest in serving the public in a way a politician is supposed to. 


The more they tried to smear Corbyn the more the general public liked him.  The men in control of the press have displayed their hidden agendas and desires not to have anyone in control who isn’t afraid of them, doesn’t need them, and is not frightened to stand up to them.  All Corbyn had to do was to stay true to himself, true to the core of the original Labour Party and to not allow himself to be baited by idiots who had been sent to interview him or doorstep him.  Whilst Jon Snow is a fantastic interviewer for Channel 4 News, the so-called independent news programme decided to unleash reporters who have all the subtlety of a brick through the window and continually talked over JC when he had answered their questions satisfactorily but obviously hadn’t given them the replies that they had hoped for.

The tide is rising and the media need to either get on board or get out of the way because the general public has decided it is fed up of being told how to think, vote or that they have accept political policies that force good people into the gutter and swell the pockets of the rich.  JC doesn't look like Eton taught Westminster thug, he doesn’t line the pockets of his friends and his only interest is making the world a better place... all of which means he will probably have some kind of tragic accident or end up in the woods like Dr David Kelly, who also happened to upset Tony Blair.

Over at the Tory party, Liz Truss might not be just a farmers friend but given that Monsanto is being banned in most Western countries she is also the bee killers best friend.

We have to ask if she is a) Really a clueless idiot b) Getting a fair wedge from lobbyists representing GMO/chemical companies or c) Both.


"Ed! ED! Fancy another bacon roll? You can trust me, honest."

Whilst preparing for the Tory Party conference, 'Call Me' Dave arranges for his own entertainment.


So once again I thank those of you who have stopped by, took the time to email, shouted at me in the street etc and I hope you will call again.  Please visit the gift shop on the way out.

- J.

‘Swansong’ by GM Jordan’s is published by Markosia and is available from Amazon and on all good e-book platforms.

Swansong SC

'Swansong' by GM Jordan (Markosia, 2015)